


Feelings are fatal

by Iaminfactlarry



Category: Avengers:Endgame - Fandom, Avengers:Infinity War, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spiderman:homecoming
Genre: A lot of Tony’s creations, Dum-E is gonna be here a lot, Everyone loved Tony, M/M, Pepper Potts is a good mother, Peter Parker Is Sad, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, angst with happy ending, flashbacks to before endgame, kinda gapfillers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-02-07 04:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18613267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iaminfactlarry/pseuds/Iaminfactlarry
Summary: Peter didn’t know how to live after his lifeline had been taken away from him, but after a talk with Pepper and a little gift, he just might make it.





	1. Prologue; pieces of him

**Author's Note:**

> If you couldn’t already tell, there are spoilers. It’s also gonna get pretty sad during this story so read accordingly. I will be putting trigger warnings if needed. This chapter is pretty sad but i wouldn’t say there’s anything that’s too sensitive but please be careful!

It was gray. Everything was so gray. Color was desaturated and everything was nothing. The food that he was eating wasn’t even there anymore. His mind was somewhere else in an abyss of darkness. He looked down to his hands and pinched himself _‘Feel something’_ he thought, _‘come on peter, feel something’_

He sighed, a lump growing in his throat, _‘Just cry, it’s okay, you lost someone who meant so much to you’_

_You feel something. You feel something. You feel something._

He choked out a sob and ran through the kitchen and into Tony’s lab. 

_Tony. Tony. Tony. Tony_

There were papers scattered all over the floor and on the benches, plans on how to defeat thanos, sketches for a new spider suit, equations to Peters homework in the older mans hand writing. Tony filled the room and he collapsed, knees all too weak to hold him up, lungs tight like the loss has taken all his air away, stomach clenching up, heaving any oxygen he attempted to inhale, heart beating fast; confused that it’s still alive and working when it’s reason has left, head aching with every single moment they’ve shared together, everything burning up but cold to the touch. 

He looked up from his fetal position and saw a black sweater that was once owned by Tony and reached for it; still on the floor pulling towards himself, he cradled the fabric and tightened his grip, pushing his face into the object. 

The sweater smelt like coffee and oil, there was a twinge of something like happiness that there was no hint of alcohol on it. The boy clenched his eyes and breathed in, letting the scent fill his body, trying to trick his mind that he’s holding the real Tony. 

There’s rustling somewhere in the background but Peter’s sobs drowned the noise out until it was right behind him. A soft tap was felt on his head and he looked up to see a metal claw aimed down. Sad beeps filled the room and the arm reached down to pick up the article of clothing, hysterical beeping following the movement. 

“No! Don’t! Ple- please.” He begged, scrambling up to his feet, fat tears rolling down his cheeks and hands still clenching into the fabric, “Don’t.” He sobbed, and Dum-E beeped slower, letting go of the fabric. “Thanks.” Peter whispered, looking down onto the object in his hands, “I just miss him so much.” he muttered. 

The robot nudged the boy and Peter sat down on a table that Tony named the “What the fuc- Sorry fudge” table. “You miss him too huh?” He said, smiling weakly, reaching out to hold the robots arm. Dum-E beeped and nodded, squeaking in the process. 

“You haven’t been oiled in a while huh?” He wondered and another round of sad little beeps came through, “Hang on buddy.” He patted the arm and walked to a closet and rifled through, finding the oil. 

He walked slowly towards Dum-E and lubed up the machine parts, thinking of all the times that he’d done this for Tony when the man was fixated on working on a problem. Tears started to form and he let out cry, dropping the bottle when he was done and sunk to the ground, letting out helpless sounds slip from his mouth. 

“Wh- why did you leave me Tony?!” He wailed, voice hoarse and throat scratched, “I tho- thought you lo-“ he cut off with a whimper and he curled up again. 

There was more movement, but Peter didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t, not when his heart has been ripped out from his body, not when sobs are racking through his entire being, not when his souls has become nothing but a feeling of yearning for the touch of Tony. 

_‘So much for not feeling anything’_ he thought to himself and drifted into a restless sleep.

 

He woke up on the floor, Tony’s sweater draped over him like a makeshift blanket, and dry tears covering his face. His entire body was sore and hurting; he just wanted to sleep and never wake up. 

“Peter?” A feminine voice spoke, the sound of heels hitting the floor, “What are you doing here?” 

The boy turned around and saw Pepper standing there, tall and beautiful, looking like nothing could bother her. He stood up, legs shaking, and walked towards her, picking up the sweater and laying it on a bench. “Hey Pepper,” he spoke, avoiding her eyes, “Tony said in his video to me that I can come and work here.” He lamely gestured to the space, still not making eye contact. 

“Kid...” she trailed off and his head snapped up, _Kid, you know that you’ll always have me, even if I’m not there._ “It’s been almost a year,” she said, “I know that it’s hard for you. God I know,” she chuckled sadly ,“but you need to move on.” 

_As much as I don’t want to say this Pete, let me go after this._

“No,” he said, voice quiet and heartbeat loud in his ears, “no, I cannot move on.” _Don’t fight me on this Peter. You’ll be okay without me_ “You have Morgan,” he said a bit louder, “you have a piece of him. I have nothing but his recordings and his files-“ he broke off in a choked gasp, _I’m going to be there for you. Even if I can’t be there physically. You have my space. You have my lab. You have my recordings. You have me_ “and I’m sorry if it sounds selfish, but what can I do?!” He cried, hot tears falling down his cheeks, trailing to his lips, where the sadness fell out even more, “I lost my father, I lost my uncle, and I lost the man that I love.” He whispered and looked up to meet her eyes. With sympathy and understanding written on her face, she walked closer to him and pulled him into an embrace. 

_You’ll have Pepper. You’ll have Happy. You’ll have May. You’ll even have Ned! That’s good!_

If it weren’t for her arms, he would’ve fallen to the ground again. His tears were drenching her pantsuit as hands softly caressed his hair, “It’s okay.” She murmured, “it’s all going to be okay.” _You’re going to be okay. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re going to be extraordinary_

“I love him.” He sobbed, emotions bubbling up to the surface, wreckless with his words he spoke, “Pepper, I love him so much.” And he’s never admitted this to anyone, hardly even to himself. He’d stay up at night after the whole ‘Cap went psycho’ replaying the hug that wasn’t a hug, how Tony thought about him, how his skin was tingly every time the older man so much as grazed his hands on him. 

“I know you do.” She said softly, “I think you loved him the most,” She pulled away and Peter fought the urge to pull her back in, “you truly loved him.” She smiled, looking into the boys eyes, “I don’t know how you did it,” She stated, “but you loved him, purely, wholly, so unconditionally.” 

_Pete, you brought out the best in me. Well, you and Morgan. I think you changed me and when Morgan came along, that change was what helped me get through the day_

“I don’t even think I loved him that much.” She confessed, “Maybe Morgan bu-“ the boy cut her off with a shake of his head, “Pepper, I didn’t love him like a father. I was i-“ 

“In love with him, I know.” She cut him off, a knowing look on her face. His eyes widened and he tried to pull away from her but his emotions were running too wild that he couldn’t catch himself so he just fell back into her arms. 

He was breathing unevenly but he let himself be held by the woman, “I’m sorry.” He let out, tears forming again in his eyes, “I’m so sorry.” 

“Peter…” she sighed, rubbing his back, “He loved you too.” _I love you Mr. Peter Parker._

 

He rolled his eyes and scoffed weakly, “I know he did, just not the way that I wanted.” He said and she stilled her movements for a second before returning the comforts on his back, “He loved you exactly in the way you wanted.” She muttered and he just nodded, sobbing on her shoulder, “He loved you so much,” she explained, “but you were gone for 5 years and he’d only realized it when you guys were on Titan. You were gone and I was here.” 

Peter shook his head, “He loved you more than anything.” He said, silently denying what she was opening up to. 

“I know he loved me,” she whispered, “I loved him too, but there was always a sliver of doubt when it came to us.” She explained, “You were never a doubt in his mind.” She smiled, thinking of the conversation that she had with her husband, “He loved you so much Peter.” 

He pulled away and wiped the tears off of his face, “Pepper…” he hesitated, not really knowing what to say, “thank you.” 

She looked confused for a moment and then nodded, “You have my number. Call me whenever you need me,” she paused, looking around and stopping when she saw her purse. She walked towards it and grabbed something that was in it, “Here,” she said after walking back up to him, taking hold of his hand and laying a hard drive in his palm, “Tony told me to give this to you when I thought you were ready.”

“Oh.” He said, closing his hand around the small object, “Are they videos?” He wondered out loud, gazing at Pepper. 

“Yes,” She confirmed, “They are videos, he tried to make one every month to you when you were gone.” She pulled him into another hug, this one short, “Watch them, I think you’ll be okay.” She said, pulling away. 

She kissed him on the cheek and turned around, pausing at the door, “I love you Kid.” She said, smiling softly. 

“I love you too.” 

And with that, she walked away, and he was alone again. 

 

An hour later, he was still just looking at the metal in his hand, sitting down in front of a computer.

“Friday?”

“Yes Peter?” 

“I don’t know if I can do this.” 

“I don’t think that Tony would like hearing you say that.” 

He shook his head, chuckling sadly, “Karen?” 

“Yea?” She said and Peter laughed at the casual way she spoke, “Will you remind me to get up when I need to?” 

“Yes.” 

“Great.” 

He turned around and inserted the drive in, clicked the file that said, “To Peter.” And clicked the first video. 

An image of Tony popped up, he was extremely skinny and eyes looked devoid of hope, an IV bag was hanging behind him, “Hey Pete,” He started and the boy smiled weakly, letting a soft sob fall from his lips, “Hi Tony.”


	2. Confessions in conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conversation that Pepper mentioned in the first chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place right after Tony gets back to earth!

“I lost the kid.” Were the first words he uttered when he walked out of the ship. He wanted to blame the hunger or the lack of oxygen or the dehydration, but he knew that he couldn’t. Even when he was with Nebula, he couldn’t stop thinking about Peter dusting away in his arms. He couldn’t stop hating himself for what he couldn’t do. He couldn’t stop because he had only just realized that he was in love with the kid who wasn’t really a kid anymore. 

He leaned against Pepper, _God Pepper,_ he thought, _my fiancé,_ and then he fainted. 

 

He woke up to the soothing voice of Pepper, she was whispering little comforts like, “It’s okay.” And “We’ll get him back.” 

He opened his eyes and sat up slowly, looking around the room, searching for a glass of water. 

“Here.” She said and as if she read his thoughts, bent down and grabbed a bottle of water from the floor. 

As he took the water from her, all he could think was _‘I’m in love with the boy. I’m in love with the boy. I’m in love with the boy.’_ Over and over again like a broken record, beating down on his head because he couldn’t properly think about this in space, he was trying to survive.

Now, he was saved and living and he could breathe except...he still felt the weight on his body, still felt the ghost of Peters body in his arms, still felt the need to kiss his lips and tell him that he loved him, he still felt all of it. Every single last bit. 

“I love him.” 

The words tumbled from his mouth fast, mind unwilling to attempt to stop them, heart knowing that it’s okay, that Pepper won’t be angry. 

She smiled calmly, reaching out to intertwine their fingers together, “I know,” she admitted, “I figured it out just a couple of hours ago.” 

He gripped her hand tightly and shook his head, “Pepper, not like that,” he said, and looked her in the eyes, her expression filled with curiosity and confusion, “I’m-“ he paused, clenching his jaw, “I’m in love with him.” 

The silence that filled the air was deafening, both people swore that they could hear each other’s heartbeat. 

Pepper processed the information, thinking of all the times were Tony would talk about the teen, talk about his suit, bring him up at the dinner table; She thought of all the times she witnessed them talking with such an ease that she couldn’t even dream of, both feeding off of the others thoughts; Mind going through all the moments where Peter stared at Tony for just a second too long and the older man looked away just a second too soon. 

“Were you two…?” She wondered, question floating in the air above their heads. She was silently praying that they weren’t and let out a sigh of relief when she heard a small “No.” from the mans lips. 

“No, we weren’t together,” he said faintly, almost like his voice didn’t want to be used, “I figured it out when he-“ the man broke off suddenly, hands shaking with grief, “whe- when h-“ he tried again but couldn’t get his mouth to say the words, “It’s okay Tony, I know.” She assured tenderly. 

“He was in my arms,” he cried, “he was begging me not to let him go.” 

“Shh, it’s okay,” Pepper whispered, “it’s okay.” 

“I love him so much.” He sobbed and Pepper was taken aback, this man was the Tony Stark and he never cried. Ever. And here he was, broken down because he lost his soulmate. 

They stayed like that for what felt like a day, until Tony’s tears subsided and his breathing calmed down. “Are you okay?” The blonde asked and Tony looked up, “As okay as I can be,” he murmured, “can you… can you bring me a camera?” He asked and Pepper nodded, albeit confused. 

 

She came back to the room, hands full with a camera and a tripod just in case. 

“Thanks Pep,” He said gratefully, a small smile etching itself onto his face, “I- I need to be alone for this.” He said and she nodded, walking away from the man who looked so tired and hopeless, only hearing the words, “Hey Pete,” as she walked away, her heart breaking twice, once because the man she loves with is in love with another, and once more for Tony, because she could only imagine how exhausted he felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be the first years videos! 
> 
> Tumblr: Heyimstarker


	3. First video

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first video from Tony!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said that Id write the set of videos, but I have concluded that this one would be its own chapter, not because it’s long, but because it introduces the tone of how peter is gonna react and the tone of the videos in general.

_ An image of Tony popped up, he was extremely skinny and eyes looked devoid of hope, an IV bag was hanging behind him, “Hey Pete,” He started and the boy smiled weakly, letting a soft sob fall from his lips, “Hi Tony.” _

 

Peter reached out to touch the screen, heart clenching in his chest,  _ “It’s been twenty-three days since the snap,” _ Tony muttered, playing with his hands, “ _ I can’t stop blaming myself for what happened to you.”  _ He looked up the the camera, “ _ It should’ve been me… you- God Peter, you didn’t deserve to go!”  _ His voice was strained and Peter could tell that the guilt was eating him up on the inside. “Tones,” he whispered, knowing that the man on the screen can not hear him but needing to say it anyways, “It wasn’t your fault.” 

 

_ “I know that… when you watch this.”  _ the older man stressed the word ‘when’, “ _ you’ll be thinking to yourself ‘This isn’t your fault’, please don’t.”  _ He begged, “ _ I can’t blame anyone but myself… it’s always been the easiest option,”  _ he paused, messing with the IV tubing, “ _ I’ve always blamed myself,”  _ a sad chuckle filtered through the speaker, “ _ what’s one more?”  _

 

A tear slipped down the boys face as the older man beat himself up over something he couldn’t have controlled, “ _ I told off Steve earlier,”  _ he stayed, eyes glinting with a bit of pride, “ _ the prick deserved it, asking me if I knew any coordinates, fuck him.”  _ He spat out. 

 

The man on the screen didn’t look angry though… just looked, tired. Like he hadn’t slept for years, bags settling under his eyes,  _ “I called him a liar,”  _ he said sadly, “ _ God, I wished I hated him.”  _ He muttered, “ _ I know that you don’t, Pete. You hate no one.”  _

 

Peter paused the video, breathing unsettling, anguish filling up his chest, tears pouring out his eyes, “I hate one person,” anger dripped from his mouth, “I hate that fucking psychopath that led you to  _ sacrifice  _ your life!” Emotions mixing in his body, he didn’t know if he was more sad or pissed, “ _ You _ didn’t deserve  _ that!” _ Peter yelled, hands clenching and unclenching, wanting to punch something. 

 

“Peter,” Karen spoke up, “focus.” Her voice was calming in a way that he knew that, though she didn’t truly understand the weight of this situation, of seeing the man you love who is  _ dead _ on screen; she was right. 

 

“Sorry.” He muttered, lungs inhaling and exhaling slower, hands easing up, and heart beating calmer. He started up the video, focusing on what Tony was saying and not on his own emotions. 

 

“ _ Remember when I told you that I wanted you to be better than me?”  _ The voice came through, “ _ You already were better… I never told you that.”  _ Regret laid on his face, “ _ I should have.”  _

 

Peter wanted to tell him that he could never be better, never, because how could you be better than someone who died for the  _ universe _ ? How could you be better than someone who sacrificed himself again and again, selflessly, never expecting anything in return? You  _ can’t _ . 

 

“ _ Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that, I miss you.”  _ He whispered, “ _ I’m going to get you back here Pete. You and I, Peter Parker and Tony Stark, we will be together again.”  _ He promised, seriousness falling over his expression. 

 

“ _ I have to go now… I think I might pass out from exhaustion and I can’t bring you back if my body is shutting down.”  _ He smiled, “ _ I will do this. For you. It will always be for you.”  _ He confessed, hand reaching forward and cutting to a black screen. 

 

Peter reached up to cover his mouth, lips trembling softly, “Oh Tony,” he cried, “I love you so much.” 

 

“Peter…. there are more videos,” Karen reminded, “Would you like to watch them?” 

 

“Not now… I need to rest.” 

 

And at night, Peter curled up with the black sweater, tears slipping from his eyes, as he whispered, “Goodnight, Tony.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you Enjoyed!!
> 
> Tumblr: Heyimstarker


	4. Hope and pizza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter continues to watch the videos, and thinks about times in which Tony was still around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im back. I hope this chapter is okay! I’ve lost a bit of motivation in this work, not really knowing what to do with the plot but I’m working on it, promise.

“ _ Hey pete, it’s been two months since you- since the snap…”  _ a voice rasped out,  _ “and one month since I made a video.” _ The image of Tony shone on Peters face as the boy stared at the screen,  _ “They killed him,” _ he whispered,  _ “They killed Thanos. _ ” He rubbed his forehead,  _ “Peter, they killed him without me and couldn’t bring you back.”  _

 

Tony looked down and Peter could see small tears falling towards the older man’s hands,  _ “I miss you. Every day that goes by hurts me. Peter, I miss you so much.”  _

 

“I miss you too.” Peter muttered, “I miss you too.” 

 

_ “I’m moving to a cabin… with Pep.” _ He spoke,  _ “There’s a lake, I think it’ll be good.”  _

 

Tony looked up at the screen once more, _ “I miss you… and I’m gonna find a way to bring you back.”  _

 

The screen went blank and Peter blinked, “They killed him? Without Tony?” 

 

“Tony was in critical condition when they ambushed Thanos,” Karen spoke, “He would’ve gotten hurt.” 

 

Peter nodded, “It’s good then...that he didn’t go.” He said as he stood up. It was morning and he had coffee, the same brand that Tony would make. 

 

He walked over to the labs sink and rinsed it, mind replaying the video, the fact that Tony was so hung up over his death wasn’t surprising at all but at the same time, it was the shocking to see the effects with his own eyes. 

 

He walked around for a bit, eyes closing as fresh tears started to form. He couldn’t stop thinking of the man. Tony was surrounding him and he didn’t know if this was healthy for him to be around so much. 

 

He stumbled towards the computer and sat down, starting the next video. 

 

“ _ Peter, the cabin is great. Pep and I are enjoying it,”  _ the man spoke, his eyes were soft and voice was calm, “ _ I’ve been researching every possibility. I talked to Bruce and Wong. They don’t know what to do.”  _ He raises his hands and rubbed his face, “ _ I don’t want to loose hope but… I can’t seem to get anywhere.”  _ He confessed slowly, like he was giving up on his dreams. 

 

Peter sighed as he watched Tony stress about finding a solution, wanting to ease his mind off of it for a while. 

 

_ “I keep on thinking about the time we went out for pizza,”  _ the man started after a moment of silence,  _ “I thought it was cute that you were excited to show me the local shop in Queens,”  _ he chuckled a little,  _ “and you’re eyes lit up with happiness when I approved of them. God, I love you.”  _ Tony smiled wistfully, looking into the camera,  _ “I’m going to figure out how to save you. I don’t know when or how but I will. I promise. I love you Peter Parker.”  _

 

The screen went black again and Peter let out a soft whimper. Tony was giving up the third month. Was everything so hopeless? Was no one trying? 

 

The questions flew around his head at top speed, giving the boy a headache. He wanted to call Pepper but he also didn’t want to bother. He pondered calling Rhodey or Bruce but concluded that they were probably busy. 

 

“Fri?” 

 

“Yes Peter?” 

 

“When all of this happened,” Peter looked down to his hands, hoping for his question to be answered with a solid ‘no’, “was Tony drinking?” 

 

“Yes, he stopped when he and Pepper got together.” 

 

Peter nodded silently. His death and the snap caused a weight to fall on Tony’s shoulders that he didn’t know how to shrug off. 

 

The boy walked out of the room and into the living room, mind drifting off to the day that Tony brought up. 

 

_

 

_ “Mr. Stark, we’ve been here all day!” The teen whined, tugging at the man’s shirt, “I’m hungry and craving pizza and sunlight, let’s go!”  _

 

_ The man grumbled and stood up, “Alright kid, but this place better be good because your whining is giving me a headache and maybe food will help.”  _

 

_ Peter pouted slightly but nodded nonetheless, “I promise it’s the best.”  _

 

_

 

Peter sat down on the couch, head in hands, and cried softly. He wished so badly this ache to leave his body, for the longing to just stop, but it was pounding around in his heart, pushing tears out of his eyes.

 

He shifted to lay down, exhaustion leading his eyes to close slowly despite the coffee he drank. 

 

And as he fell asleep, he swore he felt familiar hands running through his hair, though he’d blame the sleepiness on the feeling. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! 
> 
> Tumblr: Heyimstarker


End file.
